Outbreak of Dumbness
by Luna-Starr
Summary: A spoof off Outbreak File 2. Watch as Kevin Ryman braves several scenrios of undead with only his favorite handgun, the shirt on his back, some spare change...and oh yeah, his useless team mates.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil Outbreak file 1 or 2, or Capcom, the show Jeopardy in any way, shape or form.

Luna: I'm back! AGAIN! This week's victim is Kevie! MWAHAHAHAH! Ahem. Anyway, it's a parody off Outbreak, and the scenario 'Wild Things', which is, sadly; the only scenario I ever beat. Also, there are some references to my RE4 Infected w/ Dumbness fic here, so those who haven't read it won't get some comments. Read and as always, REVIEW!

Chapter 1: Where the Wildly Stupid Things are, or Default Chapter for short because I'm too lazy to change the title.

Kevin Ryman was at the zoo. Not just any zoo, the Raccoon City zoo. It was night. It was scary. And there wasn't anyone selling the cotton candy that Kevin looked so forward to gobbling down. Oh, and the place was crawling with the undead.

" This is the worst. Day. Ever." said Kevin, as he surveyed his surroundings.

Cindy, the waitress from J's Bar, was there. She stood in the corner, eyes far away.

The student girl, Yoko was there, looking confused and hopeless. And so was the mysterious plumber dude, David. You could tell he was mysterious because there was a ? for his age. So he could be 50, or 100 or immortal…you never know…Or maybe I read into things too much and Capcom simply couldn't make up an age so they put a ? to make him seem mysterious…Then again, what's mysterious about a plumber? The man fixes toilets for a living! What was that? The fic? OH…sorry I got carried away with my observations again. Anyway…

" Y-You think we'll make it out alive?" asked Yoko, uncertainly.

" Nah. I bet the helicopter will be crashed and everyone will be burning and undead and we'll be left there as zombie chow," said Kevin.

Yoko gulped and looked down.

" Hey! I was kidding!" said Kevin, unsure if he really was kidding.

Kevin began to run off and explore the area, Yoko close behind. David suddenly disappeared, and Cindy was still in the same position as before.

He opened the door to the very ironically titled, 'Elephant Restaurant', looking for items and clues.

" Is this useful?" asked Yoko, holding up a piece of lint.

" No…" said Kevin, blinking.

" Is this useful?" asked Yoko, holding up a charm.

" No." he answered, " Yoko, let's look for clues. The sooner we get out of here, the better."  
Wondering if Yoko was that stupid or just nervous, Kevin went to the back of the restaurant and found a diary.

" A diary, eh?" asked Kevin.

He looked both ways before opening it up and reading its 'juicy' contents. Then he realized it was the diary of a senile old man.

__

Dear Diary,

I had pudding today. Vanilla…yum. Then I watched jeopardy for 4 hours straight. I went to the monkey house to say hi to George, but he threw poo-

Kevin flipped a few pages, disturbed and bored.

__

Dear Diary,

I had oatmeal today. Mushy. I wrote the combination for the gate on the back of the lock because I forget things. I had oatmeal today.

" Booya!" cried Kevin, happy, " I know how to open the gate!"

" Yes that's good," said Yoko, " I…can be ready to fight in case they come back."  
To prove her statement, she held up her weapon. The lethal. The deadly. Scrub brush.

Thinking he was home free, Kevin exited the Elephant Restaurant. He was confronted by a lone zombie. Not wanting to waste ammo, Kevin delivered a sharp kick to the zombie's stomach.

" That this!" he said, " And that! Feel my 'Ryman Super Kick Of Destruction!"

" You copied that off Leon," I said.

" The hell? A survivor?" asked Kevin, " Who are you? Where are you?"

" Wait…this was 6 years before the incident so that means…" I said, " LEON GOT THE KKD OFF YOU!"

" KKD? Yoko…you hear that?" asked Kevin, confused.

" N-No…Was I supposed to?"

"…"

The bewildered Kevin pressed onward, as the fallen zombie rose. Yoko let out a shrill scream and smacked it upside the head with the scrub brush. Kevin turned to see Yoko savagely beating the zombie.

" Die!" she cried, " Um…please die?"

" Yoko, that's enough," said Kevin, " It's dead."

" No, it isn't. It must pay for its crimes!"  
With those words, Yoko got an odd glint in her eye; and began to bludgeon the dead un-dead. Again.

Kevin decided to go on ahead and leave the psychotic Yoko behind, just in case she turned on him with the scrub brush.

Luna: Done! Next Chapter: Dumbo gone wild!


	2. Dumbo gone wild!

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, or Final Fantasy, Dumbo, Disney or Victoria's Secret in any way, shape, or form.

Luna: I know its been a slow update, and my apologizes! And yay, I beat Underbelly! WOOO! To Cyram: Thanks for the tip, I thought Yoko's charm was just meant to take up space. And I don't play online, heh; I'm too cheap…To deathbyhugs: Thanks for your constant reviews of my work! I can't wait for more of your fic! To everyone: Thanks for reviews!

Chapter 2: Dumbo gone wild!  
" Hey Kevin," said David, " I'll take care of the combination lock. You should protect Cindy, our mute friend."  
" What? Why?" asked Kevin, " Besides, I know-"

" I'm a plumber, leave it to me."

" What does being a plumber have to do with unlocking gates?"  
Kevin shook his head. What an idiot…

" Look, it'll be faster if I do it." said Kevin.

Before David could go on about his plumbing skills, Kevin yanked the lock and turned it around. There was writing on the back of it. It said: I had pudding today.

" Your kidding, right?" asked Kevin, " Damn, what do we do now!"  
" I'm a plumber, let me handle it…" said David.

Yoko returned to Kevin's side, wielding a scrub brush and said " What'll I do…?"  
" Well…" I said, " Since Kevie here looks like Tidus, I'll help you. GO back to the Elephant Restaurant, and break down the doors until you get the bolt cutter behind the bar. Or you could just hop over the bar table…"

" Who are you!" asked Kevin, wondering if he needed medication.

I couldn't say I was his conscience…no…he wasn't stupid enough for that…

" I'm the spirit of Resident Evil!" I announced, " The disembodied voice of reason in the midst of chaos and survival horror!"  
" Yeah, yeah," said Kevin, " Where are you?"  
" Uh…around…" I said, " Well, I'm actually in my living room on the couch, and your on my T.V. I control you with a controller, and that urge to shoot/run/solve puzzles is all from the controller. Your in a game."

" Haha, very funny," said Kevin, rolling his eyes.

" Kevin, you okay?" asked David, " Talking to yourself, are we?"  
" The infection spreads…" mumbled Yoko.

" No! I was talking to…no one." said Kevin, deciding I wasn't worth mentioning.

Ouch, that hurt.

Kevin entered the Elephant Restaurant and found a conviently placed iron pipe. He could've just jumped over the bar table to get the bolt cutter, but poor Kevin wasn't exactly a thinker. Instead, he consistently bashed in doors to get to it. While Yoko randomly grabbed stuff and then exchanged it out of her bag like a junkie. Don't worry, Yoko only takes important things. Like the stick. And the concrete piece. And ammo although she doesn't have a gun. Need I go on?  
Kevin held up his prize, the bolt cutter; in triumph.

" Kevin, let's go!" said David, who appeared out of nowhere, " I'm gonna fight destiny."  
"…I'm not gonna ask…" said Kevin.

Kevin returned to the locked gate, and used the bolt cutter. The gates opened and Kevin said, " We might as well have some fun while we're here."  
" Fun? Like attacking the undead, being infected, and running for our lives?" asked Yoko.

" I was being sarcastic…" said Kevin.

They pressed onward to the East Concourse, or was it the west? Ah, whatever. That area you first enter. Suddenly, the whole placed began to shake, and an elephant jumped at them.

" The hell?" asked Kevin.

" I must run!" cried Yoko, as she ran and left Kevie for dead.

David was way ahead of all of them.

The elephant was indeed infected. And from its attitude, something had crawled up its ass and died.

" Oh my God!" cried Kevin, " It's a homicidal Dumbo!"

Kevin nearly tripped over Cindy in his attempt to run like a pansy from the 'homidal Dumbo'. I mean, come on! It's only a 2 ton, angry, rampaging elephant!

" Cindy!" cried Kevin.

He grabbed her wrist ,no pulse. He grabbed her wallet. It only had 3 dollars, a metro card and a Victoria's Secret card.

" NOOOOO!" screamed Kevin, either because Cindy was dead or because she only had 3 dollars in her wallet.

I'll go with the latter.

So he successfully pick-pocketed her and ran off, Dumbo on his heels. But not literally, cause…well, owwies.

Anyway, Kevin caught up with Yoko at a door way.

" Kevin!"  
" Yoko!"  
" Take this!"  
She handed him a concrete piece.

" Gee, thanks. What about the ammo you picked up?"  
" Sorry…"  
" BUT YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A FREAKIN GUN!"

"…Sorry."  
David, of course; was nowhere to be found. Where is he, you ask?  
**Meanwhile…**

David regretted eating those refried beans and tacos at J's Bar before. Sure, it looked good at the time; but now…

Now nature was calling.

In the worst way.

At the worst possible time.

Luckily, when David left his 'comrades' for dead, he had found a toilet. Sure, it was gross, disorganized and probably infected; but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Some time later, David dropped the kids at the pool; if you know what I mean. But now, the toilet was backed up.

He was about to leave, and cast a lasting glance at the abandon, backed up toilet.

" Damn." said David.

Being a plumber, David couldn't abandon a toilet in need. He opened his tool chest, and got ready to work.

Luna: Done! Review!


	3. Dumbo's Show!

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil! I also don't own the rights to Disney or Dumbo!

Luna: I have a random question for those who beat Flash Back. Where do you go after you kill both plants w/ the syringe? You know, the really large one w/ the killer bees? Cause I don't know where to go, and ITS ANNOYING. Anyway, here's the Chapter!

Chapter 3: Dumbo's show!

Kevin made his way to the office. And was suddenly attacked by an infected hyena.

" Damn! We got company!" cried Kevin.

He wasn't fast enough. The hyena bit down on his arm, and he screamed, " HELPPP!"

Yoko was busy collecting more ammo, more than even Kevin had; when he screamed " YOKO!"

She suddenly realized that Kevin's arm had become a nummy treat for a starving hyena and she said, " No! Kevin!"  
Yoko threw a concrete piece, and the hyena went flying backwards.

" Could you of helped me any slower?" asked Kevin.

" Yes!" she replied, " That hyena…IT MUST PAY!"

Kevin sighed as Yoko went homicidal on the hyena, and entered the office. There was a shotgun on the nearby desk. Grinning like Christmas had come early, he went to grab it. Kevin was too slow. David, with his ability to pop out of nowhere, took it before him.

" Hey! Give that back!" cried Kevin.

" Finder's keepers," retorted David.

" Your gonna waste all the ammo!"

" Nah. I'll put it to good use."

Speaking of putting it to good use, David and Kevin went into the next room where there was a random person. David thought it was a zombie, and unloaded all 7 shotgun rounds into him. Luckily, the random man was magic; and didn't die. : I'm serious, I tried shooting him at first; and the shots went right through him.:

" That's real good use…" said Kevin, wondering if leaving David and Yoko for dead would be too inhumane.

Kevin found 'The Elephant key' on another desk, and stared at it. He moved into another room where there was something called a 'Mr. Raccoon' Statue to insert medals.

" I knew it!" declared Kevin, to no one in particular, " I bet that this Raccoon thing has a key to somewhere important!"

" Uh…sure…" I said, not wanting to spoil his fun, " Or, you know, David has a tool box."  
" And?" came the oblivious reply.

" Maybe he can open the box? With tools?"

" Yeah, like that'll work! Ha!"

I shook my head. Idiots…

Anyway, our drunken cop decides to go back outside; ignoring Dumbo's trunk as it tries to kill him. He meets Yoko outside, who had frantically grabbed an **IRON PIPE **to protect herself with. Well, at least its not a scrub brush…

" What's the 411, chief?" asked Kevin.

Yoko blinked.

" You're the one with the key, so you tell me."

" Oh…I just like that phrase. This. Is. The. Worst. Day. Ever." replied Kevin, " Anyway, its an Elephant Key."  
Suddenly, violin music played. Creepy violin music. Bad violin music. Sounded more like a cat being strangled, violin music.

And then Dumbo appeared.

" We're screwed, aren't we?" asked Kevin.

" Yup. Kevin…we're going to turn into one of them, aren't we?" she asked.

" What? An elephant?"

" No…a zombie…"

" Not if I can help it!"

Kevin got a plan. A sudden plan. He was going to distract it.

" LOOK! A MOUSE!" he screamed.

Unfortunately, Dumbo didn't seem to care. Yoko did.

" A MOUSE! A MOUSE! AHHHHHH!" she screamed, and latched herself onto him.

" No, idiot! It was supposed to…argh…"said Kevin, trying to break free of her grip.

They turned and ran. Ran into the gate for the Elephant stage.

" Did this elephant perform here?" asked Yoko, when they entered the stage.

" No…really…" said Kevin, rolling his eyes.

He went to the back of the stage and climbed the ladder to the room…thing. Uh…sorry for lack of descriptions, I'm just kinda lazy and assuming you played this part. Kevin looked at the control panels, and then noticed a diary. Curious to know someone's else's juicy secrets even in the midst of a crisis, he opened the book. It said:

__

Ernie here says that Dumbo is gonna make us a lot of mooah. But I ain't ever seen an elephant fl. Have you seen an elephant fly? I've seen a shoefly, a horsefly and even a housefly; but I ain't ever since an elephant fly!

Bored, Kevin closed the book. Yoko had climbed up the ladder too, and found a BMG tape.

" Look what I found, Kevin!" she said, proud of herself.

" A tape…"

Suddenly, Dumbo appeared. Before anyone could panic, Yoko was playing the tape. It was carnival music. IT stopped, and she pressed play again. And again. AND AGAIN.

" Would you stop!" exploded Kevin, " I need to think!"

" It calms me down…" she said.

" I don't care!"

Yoko cowered in a corner, silent.

" Here's a hint. Trap the elephant in here by closing the gate…" I said, as if speaking to a 2 year old.

" I knew that…" he grumbled.

" Sure you did."  
Kevin pressed the button, and presto! Good old Dumbo was trapped!

" Let's move!" declared Kevin, and went through a door.

Luna: REVIEW! Next Chapter: When Toucan Sam attacks!


	4. When Toucan Sam Attacks!

Disclaimer: I don't own: Resident Evil Outbreak, Toucan Sam, Fruit Loops, Honey Nut Cheerios, The Honey Nut Cheerio Bee, Tidus, Final Fantasy, Trivial Pursuit, Dumbo, Disney, Gwen Stenfi or her song 'Holla Back Girl' in anyway, shape or form.

Luna: Ep! Sorry for the wait!

Deathbyhugs: Thanks for the review! I like your sequel so far, and Wesker is still alive…GRR! WESKER, YOU ANNOY ME!

Cyram: Thanks for the tips!

All Reviewers: As always, your reviews are much appreciated! Thanks!

Chapter 4: When Toucan Sam Attacks!

Kevin had nimbly walked into the hall and ran down the stairs. There he spotted the odd, infected birds.

" Toucan Sam!" cried Kevin, " Ah, damn! Why'd you go to the dark side!"

Kevin liked Fruit Loops. In fact, it was his favorite cereal. And Toucan Sam was one of his favorite characters of all time. And now he had to kill him.

Toucan Sam swooped down upon Kevin's exposed head. It's talons were outstretched, and grazed his Tidus hair style. He screamed, and shook it off.

Virus Counter: 18

" Follow your nose! To hell!" cried Kevin, pointing and firing.

Toucan Sam fell, dead.

Kevin stepped over the corpse of his fallen idol, a single tear in his eye.

" Ah, damn! I'm crying about the death of a frickin parrot?" asked Kevin.

" Apparently." I said.

" Ah! You! Just shutup!" cried Kevin.

Yoko witnessed the whole thing, and began to cry for his loss as well. Until another Toucan Sam swooped down upon her. She whacked it with her trusty iron pipe.

Kevin went to next room, and ended up in a jungle like area. Filled with leaves, trees and greeness. If you noticed, I'm not much for description here; I blame lazyiness. And besides, you played the game, so I'm guessing you know what I'm talking about. And I'm also guessing that you rather have witty dialogue and situations then an heap of details. I just hate it when an author interrupts the story to inform you of some trivial things and generally rambles. Trivial…like Trivial Pursuit…OH MY GOD! I'M TURNING INTO LEON WITH ADD!

" We interrupt this broadcast for a special news bulletin." said a disembodied voice, " Our fair author is having a nervous break down and may not comment for awhile. For your amusement and viewing pleasure; here's the rest of the chapter."

" The hell?" cried Kevin.

Just then, Yoko walked in. She walked right up to Kevin, inches from his face.

" I saw…your incredible loss…" she said, " If you wanna talk about it, I'm here."

" Uh…okay…" said Kevin, taking a big step back, " Let's move!"  
Currently freaked out again, Kevin climbed up another set of stairs. Wow…that's a lot of stair cases…Ahem. David was already there.

" Hey you." said David, extending a hand.  
" I have a name, you know!" said Kevin, " And I don't need no stinkin folding knife!"

David let out an ' Hmph' noise, and pushed the crate there off the platform. It fell on the flower below it. That flower was abnormally large, with abnormally large hornets buzzing around it. Thanks to David and his abnormally small brain, the hornets were abnormally pissed off.

Kevin had no idea about this, and countied along the path; where a vine grabbed his ankle.

Virus Counter: 19

Kevin kicked it, and went down YET ANOTHER flight of stairs. He saw the hornets and screamed, " NO! The Honey Cheerio Bee…why! You betrayed me!"

If you haven't guessed, Kevin liked cereal. Why? Cause its the most important meal of the day, fool.

" I haven't betrayed you, Kevin." said Yoko, innocently.

" Uh…huh." he said, feeling uncomfortable.

So uncomfortable, that he ran through the throng of bees.

__

Eww…he thought,_ She likes me? She's definitely not my type. Wait a second, due to the circumstances-_

Kevin's thoughts were interrupted by a hornet that stung him, multiple times. Idiot.

Idiot Counter: 40

Virus Counter: 21

Still, he pressed on. He found a Mr. Raccoon Medal, that was near the homicidal bees.

" Aw yeah! I bet this is my ticket out of here!" cried Kevin, " I'm gonna live! WHOOP!"

Kevin's cries of woot were interrupted by a huge-ass bee that flew into his mouth. Eww…

"…! SH-" began Kevin, mouth full.

Idiot Counter: 70

Virus Counter: 22

" that's…no comment." I said, recovering from my bout of a nervous breakdown.

" NO! Kevin!" cried Yoko.

Before he could protest, she swung the pipe across his face. Regardless, the infected hornet, along with several teeth; shot out of Kevin's mouth. Any previous thoughts of considering Yoko was quickly erased. And replaced with a string of colorful metaphors.

Fear of Yoko Counter: 100

" I'm sorry, Kevin!" she cried.

He kept running. And running. Until he got all the way back to the front of the Elephant Stage where Dumbo was trapped.

He found a Lion's Emblem and some rifle bullets. Since he had no rifle, he just took the Lion's Emblem.

Yoko caught up with him and said, " I'm so sorry, Kevin!"

" Get the hell away from me! Before you break another part of my body!" said Kevin, in anger.

Except no one could understand him, due to swollen cheeks.

He ran out another door, until he ended up at the Office.

Kevin was eager to put in his Mr. Raccoon Medal. He did, and stared. Only to have the 3 on the statue turn to a number 2.

" You're kidding…right? RIGHT?" screamed Kevin.

" No…" I said, " Look, there's glowing squeares on the floor."

" And?"

" Stand on one and have your partner stand on the other one."

" Partner? No! Yoko's insane, she'll whack me again! She's bananas!"

" B-A-N-A-N-A-S!"

" What…?"

" Sorry, random outburst."

Kevin rolled his eyes, as his shadow; Yoko appeared.

" Yoko, stand on that square." he commanded.

Except it sounded like " Oko, tand n hat quare!"

" What?"

" TAND N QUARE!"

"…huh?"  
Kevin ran over to one square, and stood on it. Yoko followed, and stood on it.

" OOD! Ow Tay!"  
He ran to the other square, but Yoko got off her square to follow him.

" RRR! STUPID SHOLE! STA N QUAREEE!"

Yoko Stupidity Counter: 150

" I can't understand you."  
" Wel, mayb u shou off whacked e with dat ipe!"

" Pardon?"  
Pissed off royally, Kevin led her to the square and held his hand out like a stop sign. Yoko didn't get it.

Yoko Stupidity Counter: 176

Ready to jump out the nearest window from sheer aggravation, he was sudden;y struck by an idea.

He found a nearby stick and threw it on the square. Attracted by anything useless that could take up space in her book bag, Yoko ran to it.

And Kevin stepped on his square.

Causing the picture to move. Over come with ecstasy, he raced to the spot where the picture opened. His swollen face dropped.

It was rifle shells.

All that work.

Rifle Shells.

The bashed in face.

Rife Shells.

Teaching a dumbass how to stand on a square.

Rifle Shells.

All…for nothing.

Rifle Shells.

__

I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE &#$&& rifle!

Kevin collapsed on the floor, and screamed.

Luna: If you seriously did do the Mr. Raccoon thing, it takes forever to get your partner to stand there…ARGHHH! Next Chapter: Swimming with Alligators is not fun. Fun for anyone.


	5. Swimming with Alligators is not fun

Disclaimer: I don't own RESIDENT EVIL OR ANYTHING WITH A COPYRIGHT! Or MacGyver. Or Final Fantasy 10. Or Jaws. Or the Wizard Of Oz.

Luna: To New Recruit Billy Coen: Wow, thanks for the tips!  
Chapter 5: Swimming with Alligators is not fun, fun for anyone.

After recovering from his bout of intense meltdown, Kevin decided to make Yoko carry the rifle shells.

And make her stand as far from him as possible.

They trekked all the way back to the jungle-like area, where the hornet incident occurred. Kevin knew that in order to progress, he'll have to go through the swarm. He took a deep breath and remembered not to open his mouth until he was safely away. With a yelp, Kevin threw himself through the swarm.

Let's see what that enigma of a plumber is doing, shall we?

****

Meanwhile…

David had wandered away from his fellow survivors again. With some duct tape, scrap metal and rubber bands, he had made a new weapon.

A homemade chainsaw!  
Dr. Salvatore would be proud.

Why a plumber would be able to create weapons out of duct tape, don't ask me. Just cause the man fixes toilets for a living, it doesn't automatically make him MacGyver.

Anyway, happy with his alleged 'chainsaw', David decided to test it out on a nearby tree. He figured that if the chainsaw could make woodchips, it could cut through human flesh. Or elephant flesh. Or just plain infected creature flesh. Key word, kiddies, is _figured._

Needless to say, he revved it up. And it fell apart in his hands.

Dr. Salvatore would put a bag over his head in shame. Wait…he already does that.

David stared.

" Ah, oh well…" he said.

Bored, he kept his head down to search for more junk to make into slightly better junk. Completely forgetting about the virus that slowly ate away at his body.

He found some sticks, a wadded up piece of gum, and more rubber bands. With these items, he created…a blender.

Yes, a blender.

Unfortunately, blenders have no real use when one is infected in an Zoo of Doom. So he chucked it.

****

Back to Kevin and Yoko…

Kevin steeled himself to jump through the swarm when I shouted, " Stop!"  
" What?" he asked, annoyed.

" You have to go to that…alligator thing. And that isn't the way."

" Well, where is it?"  
" Over there!" I said, pointing.

Then I remembered he couldn't see me.

" Near the sign!"  
Kevin went near the sign as I instructed, and stared. It all looked like a blue wall.

" There's no door."  
"…Er…just walk up to the wall and try to open it."  
" That doesn't make any sense!"  
" I know, but the door blends in with the wall, so…"  
Kevin knocked on it, looking for where the wall ended and the door began.

Yoko just stared at Kevin, she only heard his side of the conversation.

" Found it!" declared Kevin.

And that door lead him into a swamp like area. With a muddy lake. And a very hungry alligator.

Kevin was just about to put one foot in the very dirty looking lake when an alligator popped out of it.

" GAHHH!" screamed Kevin, and jumped backwards.

He took out his gun, and fired. The alligator snapped it's jaws at him, and then fell back into the water.

" Is it…dead?" asked Yoko.

" Probably. Let's move!" cried Kevin.

Kevie, the idiot he is; didn't even attempt to find out if it was dead. Because it wasn't. Why else would I name this chapter " Swimming with Alligators is not fun, fun for anyone?"  
So he dived in. And the water was…very warm. Before the explanations could roll into Kevin's head, he swam. And the alligator attacked him from the side.

" AHHH!" screamed Kevin, and swam faster.

The Jaws theme music played in the background, as the alligator gained on Kevin; who probably soiled himself by this point. Sorry folks, there wasn't any alligator related music I could think of…

Twice he swore he felt its jaws crushing onto his vulnerable legs. He wondered why he came after him and not Yoko. _Stupid Yoko…_he mentally grumbled.

He finally reached land, the alligator at his heels. He twisted around and fired more rounds into its ugly head. And poked it w/ a stick to make sure it was dead.  
Yoko was still in the water, crying.

Kevin rolled his eyes.

" What's your problem?" he asked, joining her in the water.

" We're never going to make it…" she whined.

" There, there." he said, montone.

She looked up at him, staring.

" What?"  
" That's not how it goes!"  
" What goes?"  
" I'm supposed to cry, your supposed to kiss me and then we make out under water!"  
" WHAT!"

" Haven't you ever played FFX?"  
" No! And…can't you drown by doing that under water?"  
" Hm…they did it in the game, though…"  
" Get yer head outta the clouds, we're wasting time!"

" But you look so much like Tidus-"  
Kevin groaned. He swam back to land, and opened the door. He greeted the infected hyenas with open arms.

Luna: Next Chapter: Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY-!


	6. Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY!

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Or Wizard of Oz, Or Final Fantasy, Or Capcom, or Sherlock Holmes. What? You never know who's reading this!

Luna: Here's the next Chapter…

Chapter 6: Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY!

Kevin had entered another jungle area and for some reason kept repeating the phrase ' Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh my!'. Except he changed it around to ' Infected Lions, Zombie tigers and non-existent Bears oh my!' Yoko just stared at him, oddly quiet after their episode in the lake.

Make a long story short, Kevin and Yoko traveled all the way to the concourse with the lion statues. And the tigers prancing around. Actual tigers.

" HOLY SHI-" cried Kevin, as one ran after him.

Legs pumping, Kevin ran to the gate, only to have it locked on him. Poor Kevin…The tiger knocked him to the ground, and Kevin screeched, " I'm fallen and I can't get up!"  
Yoko was doing the usual. Collected things and recollecting, completely ignoring Kevin since he declined her offer of making out Final Fantasy style. But Kevin didn't have to fear, for David the magic plumber was here!

David bopped the tiger on the head with his homemade concrete hammer, okay so bopped isn't the word…more like 'smashed in the tiger's brains mercilessly'; but whatever. The tiger died, its infected corpse landing on top of Kevin. Did I mention how much Kevin hated his life? I did? Good.

" Sorry, man." said David, and lifted the tiger corpse off him. Or was about too, cause just then; the 200 pound dead tiger disappeared. Oh the plot holes, Capcom…

Not even bothering to question it, our pony tailed plumber lifted Kevin up and carried him. Kevin didn't know whether to be grateful or scared.

" Oh no! Kevin, are you okay?" asked Yoko.

" For one that was nearly kitty chow and then had a dead tiger fall on him and then magically disappear; yes. I'm fine." he said, sarcastically.

" The gate's locked." stated David.

" Sherlock here is right. Yoko, tell me you have the Lion's Emblem?" asked Kevin.

Yoko blinked. " Lion's…Emblem?"

Kevin began cursing enough to make any truck driver blush.

She grinned. " I'm kidding! Here!" she handed it to him.

Kevin growled and took it to the Lion Statue. _Sometime she picked to grow a sense of humor…_he thought, angrily. He placed it in the indent, David still supporting him.

" You know…you can let go now." said Kevin.

David let go and looked away, " So that's the thanks I get."

" I'm sorry! I just wanna get the hell out of here!"  
" You could remember your manners."

"…Just shutup!"  
" Hey, look! The gate!" cried Yoko.

The gate swung open, and Kevin was the first one there. He ended up in a station with a trolley/train thing.

" WE'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE! WOOOO!" he whooped.

That's when the Lion appeared.

Kevin sighed. He knew it couldn't possibly be this easy.

Armed with his favorite hand gun, Kevin began shooting it as David bludgeoned it with his hammer. Yoko happily picked herbs and sticks off the floor, oblivious. If they ever needed homicidal Yoko, they needed her now.

" Yoko, you COULD help us!" screamed Kevin.

" I know." said Yoko, humming.

" And…?"  
" Oh, you mean now?"

" YES, NOW!"

The lion was still alive through the hail of gun fire and hammer beatings, growling and tackling David and or Kevin. Yoko threw a piece of concrete at it. The lion keeled over and died.

__

Figures…he thought.

Over come with joy, Kevin skipped to the trolley/train. Okay, so he ran like hell, same difference. His very useful partners boarded as well, and the train began to move.

It was then that Kevin had an 'intense' monologue.

__

Back then I shouldn't of said 'let's have fun while we're here'. That has to be my biggest mistake in this whole trip…that and moving to some hick town called 'Raccoon City'. Pah! I haven't spotted one raccoon here and I've been here for at least 10 years! I need some scotch…and hopefully Yoko doesn't become my stalker, that girl was a walking disaster.

David's monologue:_ I hope our furry friend rests in peace._

Yoko's monologue: _Me and Kevin totally hit it off. In midst of all this tragedy, I think I fell in love…I know he feels the same way._

She turns and winks at him. Kevin shudders. Suddenly, the train stops at the so called ' help center'. There was a crashed helicopter and at least 40 zombies on fire trudging about.

Kevin's eyes widened.

" Hey, what do you know? My prediction was right after all…hehehe…" he said, in mock humor.

****

To be continued…

Luna: This concludes the " Where the Wild Things are" scenario. Next up is Under belly. And if your confused about Kevin's last line, check back in Chapter 1...lets see if you can figure it out. Thanks for the reviews! .****


	7. When Zombies Attack, the Subway is the

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, the band the 'Beatles' in anyway, shape or form!  
Luna: IM SO SORRY! I haven't been updating because I was really busy and…and…THANK YOU REVIEWERS! Okay, This is the start of UNDERBELLY. Its still Kevie, Yoko and David. But I'm making it like they first met. Again. Anyway, here it is!

Chapter 7: When attacked by zombies, the subway is the place to be!

Kevin didn't know when it started. He didn't know how it happened. He had just gotten back from a hard day at work and topped it off with his favorite 'Let's get piss drunk at J's Bar because I hate myself' party. That's when 'they' appeared. The drunks. Stupid, annoying drunks that obviously couldn't hold the alcohol because they bit someone. So Kevin left, less sober then he was 2 hours ago mumbling, " Stupid newbie, rookie drunks ruining the fun for the all time alcoholics…"

When he exited, he noticed something was wrong. Everyone seemed drunk, and…moaning. And biting things. Suddenly having to piss like a race horse, Kevin began to run. And run. And suddenly decided to enter the subway.

The subway was deserted. And rather messed up. Kevin, in his drunken state; thought that there was a 'hardcore' drinking party in the subway, too. This is why you shouldn't drink, children.

" Hello…I'm Yoko." said Yoko, emerged from the shadows; looking wide-eyed.

" Hello…Yoko!" slurred Kevin, " Hey, weren't you the thing that broke up the Beatles?"

" Excuse me?" asked Yoko, confused.

" You're the Yoko Factor!" declared Kevin, and busted into giggles.

Yoko stared.

" We're being attacked by zombies, and that's all you can think about?" she asked, dead paned.

This revelation made Kevin laugh even more.

Yoko sighed, the guy would be pretty useless unless he sobered up. So she picked up some handgun bullets and a concrete piece.

Kevin suddenly remembered what he had came here to do, and ran into the next area. There was the drunken people again. Or the 'zombies' as Yoko called them. As they got closer, he realized the that flesh was missing on them and the stench…His eyes widened as he shot it until it fell.

" OH MY GOD! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK BY ZOMBIES!" cried Kevin, in horror.

Yoko rolled her eyes and hefted a piece of concrete into a zombie's head. That's when David appeared.

" Hey." he announced, and unlocked a nearby door.

" I'm Kevin!" cried Kevin, still not that sober.

That's when he noticed the restrooms. But Kevin decided that he shouldn't go in there simply because the employee's probably had better toilets. So he raced through the door the plumber unlocked and was confronted by hordes of the undead.

" Oh come on! I gotta take a leak! Can't you guys go away?" he asked.

The zombie answered by lunging forward and was met with some copper coated candies. Bullets. Kevin ran passed the corpses, Yoko close behind. He managed to go in the men's bathroom, and so did Yoko.

" Wow…there's no doors or anything…what are those?" she asked, pointing to a urinal.

" THIS IS THE MEN'S BATHROOM!" shrieked Kevin, " GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Yoko left Kevin in the men's bathroom, confused. There Kevin relived himself and found a piece of paper. It said:

__

The Break room has old furniture. I think I need a new **DESK . ** Hint, Hint. Nudge, Nudge.

Kevin blinked.

" That was…useless."  
Kevin exited the restroom, and make a run for the break room. Yoko, the stalker; came too. There she found a newspaper in a bunk bed, which she kept. Because she likes useless items.

Kevin came face to face with a locker. A combination locker.

" I know the code!" cried Kevin, triumphantly, " Its SUBWAY!"

" Actually, I think it's-" began Yoko.

'Subway' didn't fit in the code thing.

"I know! Its…BOOZE!"

That didn't fit, either.

" Wait-"

Yoko was ignored.

" Its…Chair!"  
" No! Its-"  
"…Why won't you open!"  
Yoko glared at him, pushed him out of the way and put in the word 'desk'. It unlocked, yielding a key. Kevin stared.

" Lucky guess." said Kevin, and giggled.

Luna: Review! I hope you liked it!


	8. Fun with Lockers!

Disclaimer: NO! I DON'T OWN RESIDENT EVILLLL!

Luna: Yay reviews! Reviewer reponses:

Lightning Master: Uh…: looks around paranoid: I KNEW THAT! R-really! I just thought it would be funnier if Yoko had to stand on it and Kevin tried to make her do it. XD Anyway, thanks for the review!

DeathbyHugs: Yeah, Kevin is quite dumb. Not as much as Leon but still…anyway, I hope you update your Crimson Ribbons fic! Thanks for review!  
All: THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS!

Chapter 8: Fun with Lockers!

Kevin opened the now unlocked locker and grabbed the key. That's when he got a grand idea. He stepped into the locker, and closed it; giggling.

" Kevin…" said Yoko, " What are you doing?"  
" You can't see me! Where am I?" he asked, thinking his 'prank' was the best idea since sliced bread.

" Your in that locker." said Yoko, bored.

" No! Guess again!"

" Your still in that locker."

" Noooo…I'm not!"

Yoko was quickly loosing her patience.

" YOUR IN THE GODDAMNED LOCKER AND WASTING TIME HIDING AS A VIRUS EATS AWAY AT OUR BODY!" she screamed.

" Virus…? Oh no! Its an STD, isn't it! I knew that woman was dirty for my birthday party, but no one listens!" whines Kevin.

Yoko was many things. She was timid and patient.

Yoko's Temper Counter: 76

But this was ridiculous.

" Just give me the key, and you can hide in here." said Yoko, giving up.

" No! I want you to guess where I am!" demanded Kevin.

"…Up my ass and around the corner…" she said, dryly.

" Correct!" cried Kevin, and stepped out; handing her the key.

Yoko sighed.

Kevin walked around the break room some more until he found a piece of paper.

Its said:

__

Kites Bro.Inc, needs 2 plate, face things to insert in the gate things to uncouple the trains. What? You want to know who came up with this? Well, this would make things a lot more challenging if it were a zombie invasion. But what are the odds of that? And who doesn't love a game of " Find the Plate Things or you die"?

He could of swore that he'd be pissed at this person who left this note if he was sober. He left the break room, and walked to into another room.

Yoko unlocked the room with the key Kevin had found, and down the stairs he went. Until they reached another door, yada, yada, yada. The basement like area was flooded, and Kevin found it to be a perfect opportunity to go for a dip. A skinny dip. He had unbuttoned his shirt, just as a zombie lunged at him. He killed it, a surprisingly good shot for one impaired. Kevin decided just to swim clothed, as an unsuspecting Yoko turned the valve handle for the electricity.

Can you say Kentucky Fried Kevin?

" YAGHHHHHHHHHH!"

Yoko came back to where he was, saw him being electrocuted and shrugged.

" You should really get out of there." she said, calmly.

Kevin managed to get his fried ass out of the water before he had any permanent damage. Wet, burnt and oddly hot in his wetness, he followed Yoko back to another room.

This room had a computer thingy that demanded he disturbed 10 volts of electricity to each outlet. Kevin never enjoyed math.

****

Flashback

Kevin was a high school senior, hanging out with some friends. Smoking blunts.

" I gotta go to math," announced Random High school friend.

" Math is pointless, dude." said Kevin, " It's not like I'm ever gonna be in a life or death situation that includes addition."

All his friends laughed hysterically.

****

Back to the Present.

" Hey, Yoko, you're a nerd; right?" asked Kevin.

" What!" she cried.

" You do the hard, bad math stuff!" he decided.

Yoko figured out the 'puzzle' in the matter of 10 seconds. That's when the door began shaking. A lot.

" I better get that, it could be David!" said Kevin.

" No!" cried Yoko, " it's the zombies, last I checked; David could turn knobs."

" How do you know?" asked Kevin, " You never got to know David! What's his favorite color? His last name? His favorite food? You never really knew him at all!"  
"…Uh…I guess I don't."  
" Exactly!"  
So Kevin opened the door, as Yoko wondered what was the point of their conversation.

The zombies poured it. Yoko did the unthinkable, she equipped a gun. Yes, a gun. And fired away.

Yoko Temper Counter: 99.9

Kevin clapped his hands as Yoko disposed of the undead. Then she turned around and kicked him in the manly region, feeling rather satisfied with herself.

" OWWWW!" he cried, and doubled over.


	9. The tale of a very sticky tape

Disclaimer: DO I look like Capcom? Nope, not owning it.

Luna: WOOT! 30 reviews:: dances a jig: Thank you fans! Anyway, this chapter is mostly Yoko centered, since Kevie gets kinda…ah, well; you'll see.

Chapter 9: A tale of very sticky tape.

Yoko left the drunkard man clutching his royal jewels; thinking about her next course of action. Now that she did the electrical thing, she could probably operate the train.

" Yoko!" I said.

" Huh? Who's there?" she asked, slightly frightened.

" Pudding!" cried Kevin, in a rather squeaky voice.

" I'm the spirit of RESIDENT EVIL!" I announced.

" Who…?"  
" Chocolate! Knock-knock!"  
"…Just listen. Go back to the place where Kevin attempted to skinny dip. There's one of those plates there, and you should tape up the cracked pipe; too."

Yoko blinked.

" Okay then…" she said, figuring she had nothing to lose.

Yoko ran down all those flights of stairs again, Kevin behind her. Then he tripped and fell down 2 flights of stairs. Yoko watched, a bit amused on how much he rolled.

" Kevin…?" she asked.

Kevin finally stopped, and wasn't moving. He was unconscious. Or dead. But when you think about it, we're all dying inside, a little everyday; so…Oops. Hehe…too morbid. Excuse that.

So Yoko poked him.

" Kevin?"  
" Mommy…I want cookies for breakfast…" he mumbled.

She shrugged, figuring that he'd be fine if she just left him there. So she left him, kept going until she found the plate on the floor. Zombies were also there, and Yoko busted a cap in each one's ass; bored.

Yoko grabbed the plate and stepped into another, gray, colorless room. Geez, Capcom, u guys could've worked a bit more on detail…

David was there, too.

" Hi David," said Yoko, feeling guilty ever since she had that conversation with Kevin accusing her of knowing nothing about him, " What's your last name? Your favorite color? Movie? Can you turn door knobs?"  
David looked at her strangely.

" I don't think this is really the time…" he said, matter of factly.

"Oh…"

Awkward silence.

" Do you have any tape?" asked Yoko.

" Uh…I sorta…used it all."

" On what!"

****

Flashback

David was bored. Being the 3rd, over looked, randomly appearing and disappearing character had its advantages; sure. Like doing absolutely nothing and still some how surviving. But then it got boring…and senseless violence didn't seem to fill that void in his soul anymore.

So what would?  
Love?

Food?

Rationality?

Wrong. Senseless stupidity.

So he walked into the men's bathroom and pulled out a roll of tape.

First, David taped back his eyelids, then his cheeks. Face cheeks, that is. Then he took a picture of himself, so if he were to survive this ordeal; he'd have pictures to prove it. Although…it was just a picture of him, no zombies so technically, David was a dumbass.

David spent the rest of the tape sticking together pieces of toilet paper into a " Toilet Paper Snowman." Don't ask.

****

End Flashback

" There were, uh…stuff I had to tape together." he said, finally.

Yoko knew not to ask.

She vaguely remembered the storage room and said, " I have a feeling there's tape there…"

" Okay. I'll guard the cracked pipe." offered David.

Yoko knew not to ask, again.

She left, so David decided to play a game of 'juggle the wrenches'.

****

Meanwhile…

Kevin woke up, alone. Until he realized he was wearing no pants. And no shirt. And there was a zombie lying next to him.

" Hey sexy…" it groaned.

He was now a gay necrophilia.

" AHHHHH!"

That's when Kevin woke up, again.

" What a screwy dream…ow…my head…Damn hangovers…" said Kevin.

That's when a zombie appeared. Facts rolled in faster than a fat kid eating cake. He soiled himself.

****

Meanwhile…

Yoko had successfully retrieved the tape, and back tracked yet again to the gray, dull, poorly detailed stairs when she stopped and looked up.

" Excuse me…Ms. Spirit?"

" Yeah?" I answered, bored.

" Is there a point to this?"

" Yup…it'll save you extra back tracking."

"…Oh…"

Unfortunately, Kevin was sober and now thought Yoko was schizophrenic.

Oh the misunderstandings…

" Did you sleep well, Kevin?" asked Yoko.

" Like shit." answered the very, not vulgar Kevin.

The 2 some went to previously said room, where David had several bumps on his head.

" Are you okay?" asked Yoko.

" Yeah…I got attacked by some zombies is all." answered David.

" But…then wouldn't you of had some oozing flesh wounds?"  
David gave her his trademark blank stare.

More awkward silence. Somewhere, a T-virus infected cricket chirped.

SO Yoko unrolled the tape…and it was sticky. It stuck on her right hand, so she tried prying it off with her left. That hand succumbed to the sticky tape, as well.

Zombies began banging at the door, and let themselves in.

" We'll hold them off! Just tape the pipe!" cried Kevin.

" I'm trying!" she exclaimed.

She wrestled with the tape, as David threw deadly wrenches at the bad undead men. Kevin resorted to kicking them. The combined efforts of wrench throwing and kicking…were useless.

And only when the tape stuck to Yoko's hair, did she realize how screwed they were.

Luna: REVIEW! I'll try to update sooner, really!


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